Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Marriages and Re-Marriages

Life has all the surprises of a new born and new friend. The experiences touch life and heart in ways never predicted. A pleasant experience and an honest friend bring richness to life. There is no price for such value.

When it comes to marriage, it  is a union of two people committing to share what is sacred in the journey of life time. Life is unchartered and so is marriage. One simply intend well and give it the best shot. And at times, the best is inadequate. That too must be dealt with. There is no escaping. There will be scars but hidden from public view.

Someone said, " I never promised you a bed of roses ". And that is true of the nature of marriage. It cannot be so smooth and happiness all along. However, marriage is not supposed to be a bed of rocks also. It is a rose : beautiful and yet problematic if not handled responsibly. Along with the beauty of the rose flowers that cause the hearts to soar, there is also the thorns that can cause the hearts to bleed.

The fruit of joy in a marriage should be the birth of child or children. For many couples the arrival of children lay down the permanent foundation that can resist any and all weather storms. Thus marriage is sound and successful. There are however also married couples who enjoy life and the world unto themselves. And those who divorce after so many years and offsprings.

Children are both love and responsibility. At times extra responsibility that comes with an enlarged family can breakdown a happily set up union. Maybe the wife cannot take the pressure of additional demand of love and attention or possibly the husband is unable to find the courage and resolve to shoulder the additional responsibility of a father. And in some cases, marriage may have been a product of adult puppy love that is not adequately seasoned to absorb the sudden strains of a new family life and demands that follow. And all such social demands and responsibilities that are part of a union could finally wear down a couple's love endurance and thus marriage status deteriorates.

Many marry for love ,few for convenience and yet others may marry for money and fame.  Money does make life comfortable and lack of money is also an oft mentioned cause of livelihood difficulties. However, lack of money or being poor is not the root cause of majority of divorces. Love and resolve at times cannot pass all tests and maybe Fate has some other venture awaiting.

Today one may hear of more divorce cases but then there are far more marriages and even greater number of stable marriages. The statistic have more to do with population explosion. More people will lead to more marriages and therefore more number of failed marriages.

It is difficult to pinpoint a particular reason why marriage breaks down just as it is impossible to figure out a formula for a successful marriage. Both are results of a combination of assorted reasons and events. However, both partners contribute to good and failed marriage even though the share of contribution could vary.

For both agreement and disagreement there have to be at the least two parties. So one partner cannot be totally white and the other totally black. Some put blame on in laws and relatives for marriage failures. I however feel that in laws and relatives come in between only if allowed or encouraged by the wife or the husband. The role of in laws and relatives are more influential at the onset of a marriage but that too is disappearing with now less arranged or family consulted marriages and more instinct attraction or love marriages.

A lady one once told me that it is better to have loved and then broken hearted than never be in love. In retrospection after so many years, I would have to agree. Such close pure interaction with another human being even if for a brief time period can be so enriching and it can leave memorable imprints. Life is richer by the mile. So do not be afraid to fall in love again and second marriage.

Sometimes the first marriage comes tumbling down. It is like a storm. One could see the clouds gathering and may even sense the heaviness of the dark clouds. Yet when the storm comes, one could still be taken aback. There is no insurance for marriage whether for the virgin first or experienced second or third endeavour. The Providence of marriage is outside prediction. One can only pray and work sincerely that this be the final happy one ! I do not think it is possible to prepare for marriage fallouts simply because divorce is a taboo that usually happens to some other couples. No ! not at all possible to one's own marriage ! But sadly it does happen  and it can happen to any seemingly rock solid marriage.

So there comes a time when a second journey is necessary. The second marriage has worked for so many couples. I suppose by then involved parties are more matured and possibly they also understand the necessity of certain level of tolerance to make the union a success. Marriage first or second are never paradise. Success is measured not by how many kisses but how one finds the resolve and ways to patch up after each quarrel or difference.  And in these matters, I suppose experience does pay dividend. So usually the more years into marriage life, the chance of it being successful increases.

At times friends and relatives may get consulted. It is never easy to advise on marriage even for one's own offspring. But I think for first timers, most of them may only be seeking words of encouragement to go on with the decision they have already made.  And as for the second and third timers, mostly they wish to have good listeners to share their prospects and perspectives and also their dreams.

In remarriages, a trepidation of some kind will exist for quite a while because as the saying goes , " once bitten twice shy ". However the advice is look for the brighter side. A lot of  climbers of Mount Everest succeeded  upon the second attempt. And unlike the trail of Mount Everest, the thereafter path of marriage is not all snow and ice. There are flowers and green meadows too ! Life is a journey of trials and errors that together spice the colour and design of the painting on the wall of your happiness and experience. If the first marriage did not work out, take a break but do not let the previous fear imprison your coming days. Forget the detour, change the path and proceed ahead. The smile is still yours and so is your right to a happy beautiful another life.

If you are a single parent and the partner a single person then be prepared for another child. But if two single parents decide to marry to build a wholesome family that would be like having the cake and eating it too. In many cases the endeavours have been win win. After all Love is also what one believes in and have affections for. It is something you work for and sacrifice for and treasured by you.

Divorced men become more set in their individual ways and possibly more insecure and therefore mistrusting. Divorced single mothers on the other hand become pragmatic and gradually acquire the trait of being independently decisive. Upon second marriage, both individuals would need to readjust to some extent. There will be defensive mechanisms at work because no one wants to be again subjected to the same wound of being frustratingly helpless and rejected. Perhaps this is one particular hindrance to a second or third marriage. It is not possible to entirely dump away previous fears and traumas. But as months and years go by, the heart will get pacified and the spirit of marriage refilled. It is a good healing process to dwell upon the happier aspects and events of past marriage. And even for those unpleasant experiences if these cannot be erased from memory then find the strength in the heart to forgive. Leaving past baggage behind would make possible the second venture to start on a clean slate. And in many cases, it is just this one single chance that is needed to find happiness again.

Wishing all Happy Marriages.

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